Going PG-13

CensoredPeople who don’t like to swear (Tipper Gore, my Mom, you know the type) tell me that I’m lazy. That I should be finding more creative ways of communicating rather than simply resorting to “F this” and “S that”.

I still don’t buy it. I love how the English use the F word; as if it isn’t a swear at all. They use it in place of “very” or “damn”. It’s spoken on television. On prime time sit-coms while families gather around the dinner table. Aside from the metric system and public higher education, this is one of the U.K.’s great cultural advances. They use flowery language for their cuss words, like “(that 4 letter word that rhymes with bunt)ing”. What a great word that is. I wish Americans would use it.

But fine, I’ll bite. Let’s put this to the creative test by adapting a famous curse-riddled monologue. Tupac’s “I don’t give a [darn]

The second (and most difficult to censor) verse:

[Fellows] isn’t just the blacks
Also a gang of [police officers] dressed in blue slacks
They say [gang members] hang in packs and their attitudes are [unhelpful]
Tell me, who’s the biggest gang of [troublemakers] in the city?
They say [people] like to do [each other],
So me and a cop are just two [of the above]
A street walkin’ [example] and a beat walkin’ [counterpart] with a badge
I had to shoot you and his pass, with a blast,
Take his cash before I dash and bash his head in
Dump him at the dead inn
And that’s just his luck
’cause [an individual] like me don’t really give a [hoot].


I gotta [curse people]

[Dang] you to the San Francisco police department
[Go to hell] Marin County Sheriff department
[I have a low opinion of] the F.B.I
[Nor do I don’t care for] the C.I.A
[I wouldn’t vote for] the B-U-S-H
[I dislike] the AmeriKKKa
[Burn in hell] all you redneck, prejudiced mother [truckers] that want to [hurt me]
[damn] you
[that goes for] y’all
Punk, [homosexual], sensitive, little-dick [persons of illegitimate bearing]
2paclypse [right freaking] now
Y’all can kiss my [bottom] and [perform fellacio on me]
And my uncle Tommy’s [testicles]
[damn] Y’all

Despite this silliness, I’m still going to do my best. Let’s see how long I can go without swearing. 2 gosh darned weeks is my guess.

UPDATE: I didn’t last more than 2 hours. As soon as I said f***ing I stopped and yelled S***!

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